Hi everyone. It’s Renee Yvonne, the Gen SeXologist. And I’m so glad you’re here with me this week. This week, I have a question that I’m going to answer from a podcast that I did a couple of days ago. And the question is, what can you do if you are in a sexless relationship and you want to stay together? So before I go into what you can do, let me talk about two things. One is let’s define what a sexless relationship is. And then two let’s redefine what sex is. So first a sexless relationship is defined in the sexuality industry as having sex 10 or fewer times per year. So just a little bit less than once a month, like every five to six weeks, for some people that is just catastrophic for other people, it’s like, well, that’s too much. So I think one of the things we have to do is to stop comparing ourselves to other people and do what works for us.
That being said, if you’re in a relationship and you feel like this isn’t enough sex for me, I agree that really having sex six times a year, every other month, that’s not enough. And then let’s talk about what you can do. And this could be for a variety of reasons why you’re in this sexless relationship. It could be infidelity has happened and your partner doesn’t trust you. And they’re not ready to open up to you. There could have been a sexual trauma of some sort that happened, and they’re not ready to open up to you yet. One of you could be going through a health issue, maybe a chronic illness. It could be menopause. There could be medications involved at a decrease in the libido. So there’s a lot of reasons why someone might be in a sexless relationship and want to stay. So the answer isn’t just, just leave and find somebody else.
The answer can be let’s figure out what we can do together. Now with that, the next step is let’s re define it. What sex is often in a heterosexual relationship, sex is defined as penis in vagina, sex or PIV as we call it. And if we expand that definition out to oral sex, anal sex, massage, and just receiving pleasure, you can see that was sex becomes is so much broader than just penis in vagina sex. So let me give you three ways that you can work through a sexless relationship and still enjoy it and still stay with your partner.
The first way is oral sex. So oral sex is not penetrative sex, but it is sex. And so you and your partner may want to engage in that. And that is one way that you can be in this sexist relationship. If you want to call it that where you’re not having penetrative sex, but you are still connecting and having sex and receiving pleasure from your partner.
Number two is using sex toys. I am a big advocate, a big fan of sex toys. I think that they help to expand your repertoire when you don’t want to do something because you’re tired or you just don’t feel like it, a sex toy can replace you for the moment and help you to get that person to where they need to be a lot quicker than if you weren’t using it. So this is another way to do it. You can use a vibrator or a G-spot vibrator or an anal vibrator or massage your partner. You can do any of these things with your partner to help them achieve orgasm, or just to experience pleasure. Even if orgasm is not the goal, you can do that.
And the third thing you can do in your sexless relationship is masturbation. You can do masturbation alone, or you could do mutual masturbation where you are masturbating each other. And this is another way to work through your sexless relationship. What are the things that masturbation does because you are touching each other with your hands? Is it, it gives you the opportunity to ask your partner what they like, what feels good is the rhythm good? Would you like my hand to have more lube on it? Cause it feels kind of rough. Would you like me to move faster or slower? Would you like me to put my hands somewhere else? And you can have that conversation with them. Unlike if you’re giving them oral sex, you can have that conversation. It really gets to know what it is that feels good to them.
So these are three ways that you can work through a sexless relationship and still stay together. If you want more tips on being in a sexless relationship, when you, and working through that, I’m going to be hosting a webinar in May (actually June) and I’ll put the link below.
I’d love for you to sign up for it. It’s free to come and just check it out and learn some techniques to help you work through what’s going on in your relationship or marriage to help you work through it. If it is that you want to stay together or you just want to figure out what’s going on, like what’s wrong. So I’m going to be doing a series on this because I know that this is an issue for many couples. Things change as we get older and people don’t necessarily want to throw everything away, but they also want to experience pleasure and love and joy and intimacy in their relationship. And there are definitely ways to do that. So come join me. Let’s talk about that. Sign up in the link below and I’ll see you next week. Bye.
Have a question you want to ask about sex? Click the link below and I’ll record a video anonymously answering your question.